Faith, Trust and the wavering in between

Even as i left Laramie, it was not a sad thing, for i knew i would be back, even if i don’t know when. It was time. Made crystal clear for me, after banging my head against walls for months and months, my dogs and me paying a heavy price. I left, with my ex-husband alongside driving with me. A first, and a bit of redemption for him.He was always crippled by anxiety, and real world experience when we were married, and could never let me go, or ever join me. Now after a few years he found the strength to overcome that, at least the once, and that was huge. I honor him for that, and he earned  some respect back for the gesture ( unneeded though it was) .It was huge for me, and made that cross country rodeo event i am so familiar with, way less intense.I had a flawless trip back and settled immediately into a 5th wheel camper  in the woods for me and the dogs, where i  work with my ex. It is emotionally grueling for us both, but we work well together, always have, and there is money to be made. The dogs have healed nicely, and now after 7 weeks in that camper, i am in my own house with a great new roomie, an old friend. I loved the camper and actually bought it last week, a place to get away, a great sanctuary. A halfway house for me.Those weeks were perfect for me to start to decompress, to rein in my PTSD from  recent events. No water, no tv, no wifi, just peace, nature,and  the grandfather’s hands holding me gently as i readjusted to being here. I avoid town, or any crowds, and have not visited anyone really. I am here to work, rest, and heal.To recharge and regroup  for the next adventure and quest. I’m exhausted from the past few years.My first day back Hondo called me, but he is now guilt ridden and having contact with my ex, so we no longer see each other. The chemistry simmered with us, and threatened to bubble over. Since then i have cut all ties to him, having seen and heard some things that confirmed the double edge of his sword.I was tempted to start up with a new flame, an old friend who had shared things with me for a year. But he is not free, and i was tempted and tempting, thankfully he pulled the plug , much as i had a year ago long distance. We both are opting to take the higher road.I am glad for it, for i was at the end of my resistance to him. One thing he said to me a few months ago is that i have Trust issues, from Hondo’s comings and goings in my life.He knows of the trail i walked with hondo ( very few do), for he and I have been friends for decades, a good man who turned out to be  enticed by my intellect and my body. Rare double treat for me. I had to examine his words on me having a Trust issue, for they came from no where. He is very insightful, and knows me in a lot of ways i find a bit discomfitting..  I also try to digest why i let this man into my life at all, even virtually, for it was not as innocent a thing as i would like to believe.So i Chew on those words of his. Ruminate a bit. I woke up the other night at my usual 3:15 am (another long story), had an epiphany, and a Camel.One other person, a sister in law, also opined last year that i have trust issues ( with a male family member). I now have to own that. Yes I do. As I sat in the dark, humidity and menopause coating my skin in icy and hot sweat, i chilled in goose flesh. Wide awake, I realized I have  trust issues indeed, and they are long standing. I realized with some horror , that over 90% of all the men in my life, from kin to first /latest boyfriends, had betrayed me, cheated on me, lied to me, abused me, or hurt me. OUCH. Family, loves, husbands, boyfriends past and present, all of them , save for a couple, one who is deceased. Mind blowing Epiphany. I realized as i did a mental count in my head, and the tally of things done to me and by whom , that i must own some of this. My Choices. My need to be needed, My trust in the wrong people.My Whatever. So as i self examined my litany of male offenders, I owned it. I have been wrestling with this for a few days now, trying to see the why and the how of the cause and effect. I own it all. I choose these men,or chose to let them into my life, I chose even up to two months ago,chose  maybe even up to last week.So now i see yet another monster in the mirror, and i own it’s ugliness. I have since shifted inside, and hope to never invest my trust in another who is unworthy of it, but Trust i will. I just hope when that PTSD ogre rears it’s head, i can turn it aside. I will always Trust, even as i digest ( and try to stifle) the damage done by the one’s i exercised poor choice  with. I regret nothing, and i am ok with that.I learned then, now and  hopefully will continue to learn, and to grow. It is the Grandfather’s hand, and i am deeply grateful for the clarity, even if it stings a bit. Nothing good comes easy.

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the struggle,Judgement, gambling and closure

gamble

And so it comes to pass. I gambled on coming  back to Laramie, gambled on this job, at no small cost to me. It just didn’t pan out.I guess that is the real meaning of a gamble, it doesn’t always pay off, but we still have to try  for when it does payoff it can be huge. I was reminded by a close friend, that healing is really completed when you can view painful events with indifference. I realized that much of my draw to come back here was based on healing. Healing form some horrid abuse 20 years ago, and also finding closure with my love of this place, which now seemed to be drawn from memories of years of good friends and belonging here. I have found none of that this time.I am a bit sad about that, but glad for the insight.I still love this place,still hear the voices of my ancestors here,but it has changed as all things do.It is markedly larger, and oddly i have not accumulated any friends since i came here, save for my one existing one. It was not from the lack of trying, no one at work was even remotely interested in that from me. Sadly i think i w as set up to fail before i came here, the management wanted to have me, it looks good on paper to hire me , the first woman for the engineering department, but the crew was not playing the game, i was messing up their sandbox.I worked solo every day i was here, and received little if any training, making a dangerous job even more dangerous. No one made an effort to ever see how i was faring, what i felt, how my weekend might have been. The culmination to my giving my resignation  came from t he cost to my two dogs, who have paid a heavy price for my being here, we have no where they can just ‘be’. They have been attacked by over 6 dogs, all loose or uncontrolled by their owners, this has changed them, and made them aggressive. I also realized i loathed this job, the more i worked it, crew issues or not, i realized i didn’t like it, and was filled with dread and anxiety every day. It took all my focus to stay safe and try to learn all i could, leaving me with no energy when i get home. It is inside, and closely guarded by camera and rhetoric. I work alone on equipment and have had little social interaction, i do not feel like i have made a difference. The few folks i interact with seem hostile to the engineering staff, almost without exception, weird for me. To feel like what i do is thankless, and not necessary. So i maintain a lot of equipment, much i don’t understand and fear to some degree because of their inherent dangers, and i sadly do not feel wanted. I believe i am accepted to some degree, and i know i will be respected by the crew, each and every one, but they do not want me here. I understand that, and feel the undercurrent , even now.Some were overtly or covertly working against my being trained, a double standard. It rankled after a few weeks, then i decided i would train myself.I am here to learn. I feel i have succeeded only by my existing skill set, and pure determination. I  will exit with honor, trying to not leave them short, leaving the day before another who has been out comes back, there will be no hitch in the system or folks being compromised by me on any level. It compromises me to stay 6 weeks longer than i would like, but it is about Honor, mine and not theirs.I have standards i hold myself to. I really like the crew even if they do not like me, i learn from them every day, just by watching, some of the funniest and  most talented guys i have ever worked with.I wish it had been different, but it is what it is.I feel like the promises i was made to come here were never lived up to. I have seen the figures for this place, and it’s turnovers, that would have swayed me months ago from accepting the posting had i known.I regret nothing, i have loved being back here, it allows me closure, and so now i ready my self and my furry children to make one more cross country trip. A recent illness ,when i realized i was alone in ways i didn’t realize, really swayed me. No one to help me, no one to give me a ride, or help me walk the dogs if i am sick, no mechanic, no safety net. So now i will return east, and this time i feel no hurry, but  also no pain or dread. I believe i am healed. Healed from the heartache that drove me from Maine. I had to leave to achieve it, and to achieve closure for here. Now i find after almost two years walking a wire with no net i want to return to where i am safe, to where i have options, to my own home, to a place my children can be free and heal , for they have been damaged more than i can live with. I will make it right for them, and owe it to them.I have enjoyed having a secure paycheck, but i loathed the job. It was not a good fit for me. I will return to working outdoors, in my own way, and be at peace. I will pray at places that i used to and where tribute still lays.Some folks  who are related to me have said i am a coward, that i throw in the towel too soon now. I rankled at that,for  they have no idea. So Truth is subjective here, theirs is different than mine. I realized i do not have to justify myself, nor do i have to put up with any toxic diatribe, i have no room for it. I was only looking for some understanding, but mostly support- as i feel so far away from comfort or safety.Far away  from friends who are family even as my family are not friends.In the end i am truly ok with every decision i have made these past few years, it is now a chance for me to rest and feel comfort, a tall order for me these last  2 years. So i rest. I  have closure, i have new skills, i have more peace and strength of spirit than i have ever had. I am healed. I also came to realize that Judgement has no place in Love of any kind. I look forward to the peace that comes from my own home, no matter how long it lasts. I look forward to seeing friends that have been a lifeline to me daily for 2 years. I look forward to all of it. But i am in no hurry…I am ready for the next chapter or whatever direction the Grandfather’s decide to send me. I am OK with that..

judge

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A Man’s World and Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks

 olddogI work in a man’s world,I  almost always have.I like a challenge, I always have.I realized this week i am struggling with this last decision, to move here and take this job;  it’s steep learning curve ,and potentially priceless skill set. All I’ve know for over 15-30  years is chaos, and change.Some  Self imposed change, some not. I choose this Path, on every level.I own my decisions and responsibility.I find now i struggle, i struggle a bit with calm. It is proving to be occasionally unnerving. My anxiety mounts the longer things lately remain stable. I war with trying to adapt, adapt to a more trusting and  encouraging atmosphere at work.I am unused to being part of a team.  I have always had to be strong,  tight  lipped,to handle what comes- on my own. I seem to be subconsciously waiting for the other foot to fall, as it always has for the past decade or more.I am in a position to really create some security and peace, yet i find that unnerving on some levels. I am now struggling to adapt. To adapt to a normal life, after living such an abnormal life. I am striving to release some of my own issues with trust by becoming part of a team, in a way i may have never been part of one before. I struggle with needing to set a tall standard  as i become the first woman hired in a man’s job, in a man’s world, at my oldest.I struggle with knowing I am not at my prime, and I am worried that i may not be  up to this self imposed demand or standard,one i am used to in so many  ways.. I am afraid of not measuring up( and not quite sure why), i am afraid of being a failure when so many have vested interests in my succeeding. I am also afraid to succeed. I am afraid this was a bad choice for the well being of my furry children, and have reason to believe that.The trick with fear is to utilize it as a driving force, not as a paralyzing force. I feel fear, fear is not necessarily a bad thing.How easy it would be to throw in the towel and slink back east to a place where i am not stimulated , but where i am safe in so many ways. But i can not. I Will not.So even in this place in my Journey, where i feel such profound spiritual  peace, some of this external peace is a bit unnerving. I feel fear or maybe more properly ‘anxiety’. I will put a sharp edge on that fear and use it. It is a tool, if not a weakness. Fear is sanity, as is caution. It is natural. The trick is using fear and anxiety for positive things and not to one’s own detriment. I know it is the toughest challenge i have had yet, this job, this leap of faith, this chance, in so many ways. I know this calm, this security, this chance at teamwork in  a way i have never had, is unnerving. I know it well.It is new for me.It keeps me feeling a bit off balance. I will not let the fear slow me, or any minimal self doubt; perhaps that is the lesson. In this way, I have learned that for this old dog, you can indeed teach new tricks- even in a calm ,safe ,and undoubtedly Man’s World. I am learning, even if it is slower than i would wish/demand of myself. I will continue to try and make a difference , but also i know  what a difference is being made in me.Balance and Perspective

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A Normal Life….

hondome

A Normal Life

As i sat out on my 5 a.m. 5th street stoop in the quiet hush of the predawn Laramie morning, i caught myself thinking about a “normal life”. How a real ( and very human) part of me desires that now, now that i am middle aged by modern standards. How I want that now almost as badly as i want to lead a spiritually fulfilling life.Perhaps it is Balance, two sides of the same coin. As i watched two nocturnal rabbits making their way across my lawn i wondered at this need, or more properly desire, it is not as strong in me as a need.The feeling is more like wanting a big scoop of whipped cream on a delicious slice of pie, even though the pie by itself is sweet and a treat. It is not a painful yearning or one of huge depth, but it is there. I have led a lifetime of freedom, and of quest. I am yet on another,or more properly another chapter in that adventure that is my life. I have answered to my Spirit , my Heart,and my Honor all my life, no matter where that takes me.I have followed that internal Compass. Even as a child in the wilds of Alberta, i was wild, uncurried, and never had a ‘normal’ life. I did have great adoptive folks who allowed most of my wildness, and encouraged it , even if they never understood it .I have had dozens of near death experiences, 2 marriages, no children, and many adventures.I have sought Mystery all my life, from my earliest memory. I have lots of folks i care about in this world, and i have loved hard with every fibre of my being. I have been loved back , mutually a few times, and some have tragically passed that owned a piece of my spirit.Some yet live , 2 anyways, that i will always Love, men i would have married had they asked.Some love never changes.

I look back periodically, like any good traveler, to see how i got to this place. Adjusting my bearings. In the past decade i got married a second time, and settled into a stable life of regular job,benefits, a happy home life, and then eventually into boredom and resentment.I relished that short lived “normal” life, but it was also filled with heartache. During that marriage i watched my adoptive mom lose her 10 year battle with Alzheimer’s, holding her hand as she passed.I saw my two furry children die of age and illness, at the hand and at my request by a vet to ease their suffering. I held them both as they breathed their last,singing “brave and true” songs to them . I made the decision in that decade to never have children, even as i was in the one relationship that would have had a decent father for them, i was too old. I had made the conscious choice to not have children because i never lived a life of security/stability – my emotional life was too up and down, some poor choices in partners,no financial security,and so many responsibilities to so many others. In the past decade i have lost many dear friends and relatives to age or illness, I sing their honor song every time. I attained multiple levels of Black belt, became a self defense instructor with my own school, and closed my tattoo shop.I also semiretired from martial arts instructing due to injury, only to know i would never stop teaching. I dedicated my life to the empowerment and training of women, especially native women in these arts, as long as i breathe. In those ten years i damaged myself so badly i couldn’t walk for 6 months, but i could stand and i could painfully hobble. It humbled me in many ways and changed me forever.
In the past decade i almost lost my house twice, and had to start over 3 times with little other than my Faith and my freedom. I see the blessing in all of it.

I wandered the country a decade ago, for two years, and am now on the end of another 2 year travel. I rode herd on the elderlies and those who needed help. I eventually sought help for myself, as i choked in the noose of my own making.I severed that noose one strand at a time, and am now Free once more. In the past decade i also divorced, hopefully exiting with Honor . Just in the past 2 years I have traveled cross country 4 times , one edge of the continent to another, and back, now ending up in a place where so much started and ended for me in the past 25 years. My Home. I have always Traveled.
I realized 2 years ago, after a lifetime of searching that i carry Home with me, it is within me, and not without. I also found my identity after a lifetime of seeking it, again learning it is inside me, and not based on facts/folks from outside my upbringing because i am adopted. I learned decades ago, i am who i am, but in the last 3 years i saw the worth in that, and not just the monster i saw in the mirror.I found that internal balance, even though i had known external and spiritual Balance all along. I have learned how to like myself, then finally to love myself. I was lucky enuff last year (on my thankfully short foray back east) to have time for closure with many folks who torment themselves about their treatment of me,hopefully easing their spiritual burden. For truly i am fine, and without any of their involvement in my life years ago, and currently, i would not be Who i am. I am ok with all of it.I also got the chance to walk halls of my childhood, filled with the greatest gifts from then, actual artwork i had done at 12, a gift of space and time from my deceased adoptive mother, artwork still preserved.Mind blowing.
In the past 2 years i have left the best job i ever had to follow my spirit’s calling and to heal my Heart. I found the Love of my Life, and had my heart broken by him twice, only to forgive him and touch him one last time before i left yet again.I had no children, but have had 5 furry ones that have traveled with me over the years, and they are my world, each one as they come into and painfully exit my life.I still feel the pull of my Spirit, and the needs from that I yet have to follow. I look forward to this chance to rest in Laramie for a bit, with a ‘real’ job, steady income coming in, and a place of my own.I love the winds here, they make some folks crazy, but this is Home and home.
I hear the voices of my ancestors in the winds here, even at 5 a.m. on my stoop. Those voices of my kin are everywhere , in every thing. So in my low level quest for a ‘normal’ life and it’s stability, i realize it is really just a chance to rest. To recoup some, but it is just another jumping off point for me. Until then, i will relish every delicious bite of that pie, with the whipped cream on it, and smile. For a part of me had been starving .I am deeply thankful for every precious moment. It is a gift…and the Grandfather’s hand.

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The Next Horizon and the Long Trail of Goodbyes….

the next horizon

It seems i should be used to saying good bye by now But i’m not. Even with all the practice i have, it never gets easier. I now ready myself to leave Happy Camp, for employment , hopefully, in Laramie, my fave town. It still hurts, it is still tearing my guts out to leave. I have known true belonging here, but sadly no connection as my Alberta sister Cheryl says. I love it here, it is stunning, hard, and fulfilling. But i still leave. My old friend  (the new flame) and I have cooled things ,and Hondo and I don’t talk/text anymore. I’m sad about that, for i truly miss him. Perhaps he has moved on, r perhaps i have crossed a line a month ago.I am not sure i have ever felt more alone, or more focused both. Just when i seem to be settling in somewhere, it seems i have to move on, hopefully after making a difference. It still gets no easier. There is a real part of me that wants nothing more than to find security, a mate, and stop moving. Or to move on with someone. I war sometimes with my calling to become Katela, for i know the sacrifice i will need to make, to never have relationships again, and to lead nothing but a spiritual and spiritually healing path, dedicated to the Grandfather’s will.A life of loneliness, poverty, and purpose. I realized the other day I am already Katela. For that is true of me now,has been for at least 2 years, and is exactly why i leave now, even though i very much wish i could stay.It is the Grandfather’s Hand. I follow  whichever path they set for me , lonely one  or not, with a smile on my face, in my heart, and in my spirit, even if it twists my guts now and then.It seems to me that i have walked a long trail of good byes, but at the same time i realize it is also a long trail of hello’s. and for that I am deeply grateful. Balance.So i have much to think about as I head out once again into the dark night, full of Faith, and Hope. It is the Red Road, it is the Katela way, but it is mostly the Grandfather’s hand, and i take my first step into a new chapter, with a smile and a bounce in my step, even if my soul cries a little. The pain is small tribute to the joy i feel…I will always look to the next Horizon, and feel it’s call.

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‘Awakening’,the Badfoot Crow, and the Velvet Cage

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This past month I have struggled ,wrestling and writhing, with deep Loneliness. It is a new feeling for me. I have  written ad infinitum on it recently. Regardless, whichever path the Grandfather’s set for me, i will walk it gladly with a smile on my face,in my heart and in my spirit. Lonely one or not.I had been adding the ending of that loneliness to my prayers for a while now, maybe a month or two. To please Let it work with me and Hondo, or let the loneliness pass. For i felt it so acutely. Funny to finally come into my own, to be so deeply at peace, and so crushingly lonely too. I think i am ready to Love again and  i seek it at least gently now. I no longer put out those ‘unavailable’ vibes, or pheromones. I hope i radiate confident, sexual, and  baggage free ones.I have actually been surprised at the lack of attention to me here from men, but i now know (mostly) what i won’t settle for in my next go round in the romance rodeo. I need  stimulation on every level, sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I have settled on at least one of those in every relationship i have been in, every one. Even Hondo, who was the first and only man to be attracted to me for my intellect, then later my heart and body.He showed me what it is to be truly appreciated, desired, and desirable. He however never made me a priority in his life, and that is something i will need from here on out. Not to be someone’s first priority(please no), but i would like to be in the top 3 at least, behind work and children.We still text and sext, which ignites and saddens me both. Hi tech phones  are cure and curse, bane and blessing. I love the torrid pics or everyday ones we share, the laughter, the food and activities. But i know it will never go more than that, for he cannot or does not love me the way i need or want (OUCH). Yet I still Love him, even as  i am free and freed. After a particularly nice weekend of chatting and pics, he  used the F word with me. Told me i am his good “Friend”. Well, no I am not. I have said this time and time again. I am not his friend( or relative). I am more than that, and i am less. So nothing changes, he still reaches for me, but his versions of Love and Friendship are certainly different than mine .So i have the choice, to continue sharing my life with him, albeit virtually, or not. Does the positive outweigh the negative? Yes it does, most days, but the use of the F word to me, stung. Deeply stung , and reminded me as well. I don’t pine for him anymore, even as he still ignites ( and infuriates) me .So much of the past 2 plus years have been so challenging, but so very liberating, mostly due to his input in my life. Good and bad. He is and always will be the love of my life, but he will not be my Last.So as i sit some nights, with 2 cocktails into me, feeling the need to reach out at 2 am to touch someone who loves me, to have someone watch over me when i sleep, to have someone make me a priority in their lives, I have no answers. But I have great memories, and no regrets.

Only one other man in the past 20 years has been intrigued by my intellect, and he picks it often .We are much alike. He is the younger brother of a girl i went to high school with . He has always piqued my interest, physically and mentally, and shares some of the spiritual tenets i live by. He is a great father and a truly good and insightful man. He will occasionally flirt with me online, very gently, and when i respond to it  he too will call me friend, or relative.He knows what that means with me. So i use kinship terms with him, always, even as i admit to an attraction, to him and to myself. Negating anything more, nothing sexual in any way… I almost worked with him before i left, and if i had would have inevitably acted on my attraction for him, one of the drawbacks ( or pluses) to living in the now. Last week he inboxed me about a certain picture i had  posted , which showed a view of my back, neck and shoulders. naked and in the dark. I am oddly fascinated by pictures of myself, I never liked them, and I still mostly don’t .But every now and then, one is taken where i look at it and see how i want to Be. How i hope i truly look, and sometimes i see my own beauty in them.I see my own peace, and sexual need in them. I see strength, beauty, and desire, and that blows me away sometimes. Long story short, he thought this picture was sexy as hell, so did i  as i answered,lol. We know each other quite well, and have for a decade at least. We have since then admitted an attraction for each other ( who knew it was mutual?), and are delving into where to go with this  now, emotionally and otherwise. I could fall for him, deeply, because of what he does to my MIND, but i cant wait to see what he can do to my body as well. I long for his touch, and wonder now if i am setting myself up for a repeat of Hondo. We shall see. They know each other, this one knows of me and Hondo, and the pain/joy Hondo has brought me.They probably run into each other daily 4000 miles away, which strikes me as odd. So now i am falling / sliding into lust and infatuation, and fighting Love with all i am, even as i want it so very badly. Why am I afraid NOW? Am i not truly ready to Love again? It is so scary ,this exposing of our emotions and out hearts, especially with someone new.It seems like we are both ‘awakened’ to each other, and awakening things in each other. He says I have awoken something in him he had forgotten,and didn’t know he still had.He has certainly awoken something in me.Virtually if nothing else. I cannot return to there, and he cannot leave there , nor would i want him to. I am not sure where this will go. So as we both struggle with our new found heat , passion and obsession, we both decided to ride it out,and  see where it goes. For if and when i return , we will have to reevaluate then, for his life would be altered, as would mine no doubt. Until then, we will share and explore each other.

I caught myself early this week  realizing i am truly not lonely anymore. A prayer has been answered, ether from within myself, or from without, i am not sure. Maybe the validation of someone other than Hondo relishing my pics, my words, my mind, and my spirit was all i needed. T o know that truly I am desirable and desired. Maybe. I think to the ‘bad foot’ crow this week, and all she taught me – I miss her. I think of the Velvet cage i left behind, and i do not miss that. So this week has been full of epiphany, clarity, heat ,and mystery.Balance. Every second is precious, and i am deeply thankful…some mystery and many prayers indeed have answers….

pb4

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Living in the Now,and Then

newlove

One of the weird side effects I’ve noticed because of how i live so completely in the Now, is that all else seems surreal, or ‘Un’ real.I have been back here for over 2 months, and now all else i have known is like some kind of bizarre and fuzzy dream. I  experience this where ever i go. It must be a coping mechanism of my spirit, or maybe just a necessary by product when you live in the Now, only the Now seems real. i remember everything, but it takes on a fuzzy sheen. People seem real yet, but the memories surreal. I miss Hondo, but can hardly remember some things, maybe that’s best. I know i love him, i know he is the Love of my Life, but he will not  be my last love. Hondo and I still text, still swap photos, and i relish that i cross his mind now and then, for surely he does mine. I am getting closer to the one here who has caught my eye, the fellow sagittarian, and wild child. A man of fierce honor, and wariness, the player.I have nicknamed him Cochise, after the Apache warrior who kept the american army at bay for 10 days in a stand off. A man who knows what it means to defend family and territory. This man is special, and truly has caught my attention. It may not be mutual, but i can hope, time will tell. We enjoy each others company it seems, but i am not sure he wants  it to be intimate. We spent a week or two not contacting each other, until my concern for a mutual friend prompted me, upon stumbling into him, to speak of that concern. His touch to me,his hug to my legs from his seat, and his eyes spoke  more to me than his words. He guards those words and actions very closely. He called me the next day to come and hangout, seemingly unconcerned that the town would see us out at several places together, and that gossip would start.I received mixed signals from him that night, and it ended weirdly, but it was fun and good for me regardless. He is out of town this week, and i wonder what he is thinking, and look forward to his return, but i will not approach him. It is in his court now. I have been fairly clear that I am attracted to him, and i feel he is to me. I hope to have the grit needed to speak to him of this soon, before my feelings get involved, for if it is not mutual, i can stop it now, and just enjoy any time ‘hanging out’ with him, as he calls it. Yet the undercurrent is there.I am impatient with love, even as I am ready for it.Hondo was the only one in my life that also felt compelled to live in the Now with all he had, we wasted no time, and indeed even now every moment of our time together was well spent, and well remembered. I have had little physical and intimate  contact in so long, that i ,because i live in the now, hate to wait.  I feel Time is slipping by, wasted.I need to quell that with this one,for  he is very gun shy, and i do not wish to spook him. Just because i know how life can change in a second, doesn’t mean he shares my zeal at living in the moment and to hell it the consequences. I find my thoughts wander to him, and yet i know him instinctively because he is so like me it is like looking in a mirror. I pray for Hondo every day, for his happiness, even if i am not part of it, and as much as Cochise is capturing my eyes, and my thoughts, I would give everything I am for it to be Hondo, but that is not for me to see happen. Until that time, if and when, I will live in the Now, and also in the Then… and be deeply thankful for both

hondome

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